Melancholy

Hello again. I make no excuses for the long time between entries. It is, after all, the holiday season and time has a habit of speeding up right about now. I have a story to tell from before I left to visit my family, but I will save that for another entry.

Tonight, my lovelies, I wish to feel a bit melancholy. I know many people feel that way this time of year, but this is a first for me. I was watching The Secretary, a lovely movie that has always given me hope that the kind of relationship I want and need might be possible. This time, however, it only made me realize that I have lost hope. Not all hope, mind you, but as this year progresses I have had to face the reality of never finding love. I don't even know if I believe in love, at least not the kind that lasts forever. What was it that Angelina Jolie said in Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Happy endings are just stories that haven't ended yet? I might be a bit off, but the sentiment is the same. Perhaps what I am seeking simply doesn't exist. Or maybe it only exists for a rare few and I am not destined to be one of those privileged souls. 

The whole point of this year is to be open, available and willing to find love. I gave myself a deadline to keep me focused, but also because I am very aware of the end of my twenties fast approaching. And with that comes ever decreasing fertility and less chance of having a child. 

Am I being obsessive? Certainly.  


I suppose my obsession stems from the fact that I see children as our immortality. I know I will die one day, not in the general-it's-a-long-way-off sort of way. I know I can dies tonight or tomorrow or next month or next year or next century, but I will die. For someone my age this may seem a bit odd, but I have my reasons. Having a child is my way of continuing into the future, my single most important contribution to mankind. This is true of any species; procreation is our only real purpose in life. Money, power, love, cars, books, none of it means anything in the long term. We exist to pass on our genes to the next generation. I simply want to ensure my own legacy while I still have a chance to enjoy it. (The child, not the procreation, although I enjoy that, too :)


I know that some would think me mad, but everyone is mad in their own way and this is mine. So, why did watching a movie about a Dom and sub falling in love bring all this up? Well, it reinforced the fact that by having a child this way - on my own and of my own choosing - I will, in a way, be giving up on love. Sure, I may find love with someone even with a child, but the very act of having that child will be my own admittance that I don't think I will. I still have a way to go before I make that final choice, but I worry sometimes that by even considering it I already have.


I want love. I really, truly do. I think most people would say the same. But maybe, in the end, that is a grace that will not be bestowed upon me.