Melancholy

Hello again. I make no excuses for the long time between entries. It is, after all, the holiday season and time has a habit of speeding up right about now. I have a story to tell from before I left to visit my family, but I will save that for another entry.

Tonight, my lovelies, I wish to feel a bit melancholy. I know many people feel that way this time of year, but this is a first for me. I was watching The Secretary, a lovely movie that has always given me hope that the kind of relationship I want and need might be possible. This time, however, it only made me realize that I have lost hope. Not all hope, mind you, but as this year progresses I have had to face the reality of never finding love. I don't even know if I believe in love, at least not the kind that lasts forever. What was it that Angelina Jolie said in Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Happy endings are just stories that haven't ended yet? I might be a bit off, but the sentiment is the same. Perhaps what I am seeking simply doesn't exist. Or maybe it only exists for a rare few and I am not destined to be one of those privileged souls. 

The whole point of this year is to be open, available and willing to find love. I gave myself a deadline to keep me focused, but also because I am very aware of the end of my twenties fast approaching. And with that comes ever decreasing fertility and less chance of having a child. 

Am I being obsessive? Certainly.  


I suppose my obsession stems from the fact that I see children as our immortality. I know I will die one day, not in the general-it's-a-long-way-off sort of way. I know I can dies tonight or tomorrow or next month or next year or next century, but I will die. For someone my age this may seem a bit odd, but I have my reasons. Having a child is my way of continuing into the future, my single most important contribution to mankind. This is true of any species; procreation is our only real purpose in life. Money, power, love, cars, books, none of it means anything in the long term. We exist to pass on our genes to the next generation. I simply want to ensure my own legacy while I still have a chance to enjoy it. (The child, not the procreation, although I enjoy that, too :)


I know that some would think me mad, but everyone is mad in their own way and this is mine. So, why did watching a movie about a Dom and sub falling in love bring all this up? Well, it reinforced the fact that by having a child this way - on my own and of my own choosing - I will, in a way, be giving up on love. Sure, I may find love with someone even with a child, but the very act of having that child will be my own admittance that I don't think I will. I still have a way to go before I make that final choice, but I worry sometimes that by even considering it I already have.


I want love. I really, truly do. I think most people would say the same. But maybe, in the end, that is a grace that will not be bestowed upon me.

Time

Hello, hello. I have to apologize for taking so long between posts, holidays and whatnot.

Anyway, I've been continuing my quest, but lately my life has been about the time consuming nature of having a social life. In addition to trying to find love I am attempting to get a Master's degree and the two goals seem incompatible on occasion. I am working on finals and yet also trying to find time to go on lunch dates and increase my social circle so as to increase my potential dating pool. It's enough to make me want to give up on finding a man and just go have a baby. Sigh.

As for the dates themselves, still no major sparks or potentials. And now M is being very insistent about wanting more from me, despite me making it quite clear that there is nothing more to be had. In addition to being a virgin he is simply not attractive to me and I have zero desire to do anything with him. Conveying this has been very difficult as I do not want to be a total bitch to him, but it is getting to the point where I will need to be. Why is it that the ones you want never want you and the ones that do are utterly uninteresting?

Aside from M, I went out with S again, but still no signs of the Dominance I crave. I feel I will have to simply be friends with him, not the worst outcome, but still disappointing. Otherwise, I have only been spending time with girls who might be able to introduce me to more men and I have crossed a personal line by being open about my D/s nature. I do this in the hopes that they will help me in my quest and they seem to be supportive. I really hope this is not how the rest of the year goes.

And lastly, E, who showed so much promise and was such a lackluster experience. I have chosen not to contact him and I have no plans to do so. It seems silly to waste time on someone who I know holds no potential and who doesn't inspire any great feeling in me. I can only hope that since he lives in my building this does not cause problems later on.

That is all for now, my lovelies. As the holidays are continuing I give no guarantees of speedy posts, but hopefully the new year will bring new possibilities.

Tryout

Well, I never promised to be a frequent updater, so you can't be too disappointed. I just finished round one with a brand new contender. This one shall be called E. I met E a little over a week ago at a party and during an interesting discussion I revealed I was a sub and he made some comments about it. I wound up flirting pretty hard with him, resulting in an exchange of numbers. It also turns out he lives right upstairs from me, convenient, no? 

So, how was it, you might ask? Not bad, my lovelies, but not good either. He used a crop on me, my favorite, tied me to the bed and handcuffed me, all things I enjoy. The problem was the lack of connection I suppose. There wasn't much of a spark, that little fire you get in your belly when you are with someone who excites you. E was fine, well-endowed and handy with the crop, but after I felt rather bored.

You may be asking what happen to my other candidates, well, D vanished into the mists and while I went out with S, it just wasn't meant to be. He is clearly not a Dom and there was even less spark with him than with E. I hate to say this, but I may keep using E since at least it's something, but I feel odd about it. I suppose this all goes back to P, the bastard. I loved him and obeyed him for eight years, on and off, and he has spoiled me for others. I miss the connection I had with P, the knowledge that he loved me and was pleased with me no matter what. I miss the desire and passion we had together and I mourn the end of that relationship more than most will ever know. 

This all brings me back to my ultimate question. If I am not finding anyone with even a whiff of potential as a long-term Dom, what then? I already know I will go forward with my plans to have a child, but I suppose, no matter how many unsatisfying potentials I go through this year, it will all be reassurance that the child is the right choice. Regardless of my current feelings, I will continue on in my search and I will let you know how it goes.  

Update

Hello, hello my lovelies. I know it has been a while, but real life can be very distracting. When I last left you I had met a few potentials and I have made some progress with them over the last few weeks. I have been mostly focused on D, since he is by far the most Dominant and interesting of the bunch. Unfortunately, I’ve also had an odd development with a friend of mine, let’s call him M. M and I have been spending a lot of time together over the last few weeks and while I thought it was just an emerging friendship, he seems to think we are beginning a relationship. A few days ago he decided to have ‘the talk’ with me about where things are going with us. Color me shocked! What the hell am I supposed to do with this? He is not my type on any level – besides not being a Dom he is a virgin! Seriously, that is like wanting to learn to swim by jumping into the middle of the Pacific.

Sigh.

Well, I hate to say this, but I did not flat out refuse him. Maybe I’m a bad person (Ok, I am a bad person ;) but M is nice, single and dependable. All good qualities in a possible mate, even if he doesn’t mesh with me sexually. You see, as interested as I am in D, there are a few issues. First of all, he lost contact with me for over a week and while he had a good reason, I don’t exactly trust him. You see I am not a trusting person by any stretch of the imagination and even less so when considering someone as a potential. D has been great to talk to, but I won’t know where things are going with him until we actually meet and I can get a feel for the physical chemistry between us. Beyond that, considering the circumstances under which we met there is no way I can even trust that he isn’t married with four kids or an unemployed player living at home with his mom. Until I know the full score I can’t count on anything happening with D and so I (This sounds awful) want to keep my options open with M and S, just in case.

Speaking of S, I’ve been trading some e-mails with him and it looks like we will be getting together to hang out pretty soon. Same problem with S as M though (And yes, I used those letters in that order for the ironic value >:) since S does not strike me as particularly Dominant, either. I suppose what it’s all coming down to is the meeting with D. If he turns out to be everything he appears to be, then I will let M down gently and shift S into friend mode. God, I hope things work out with D. I really can’t imagine dating either of the other potentials and I miss being a sub so much. D seems to match with me so well on every level and I will be truly disappointed if he turns out to be a liar or just not interested in me. I suppose that is all for now, but I will do my best to keep you updated. Ta-ta for now, my lovelies.

Progress

Hello again. I should have mentioned in my first post that I have no plans to be a frequent updater. Once a week is probably my limit. Anyway, there is progress to report on the meeting people front. I actually met two men over the last week - one may or may not be a Dom, the other definitely is. The first guy, we shall call him S, I met at a recent library event I attended. He and I are in the same program at school and we have quite a bit of common ground, which is always nice. He seemed very sweet and not totally my type, but quite cute. He is at least worth meeting again and seeing what happens.

As for the other fellow, well my lovelies, he is a very different story. In the category of jumping in head first I decided to take a bit of a risk and join a singles site for people into BDSM and I also searched the local CraigsList postings for that same term to see what was available in my own area. The whole CL thing is a bit sketchy, but I figured it would be OK to give it a try using an alternate e-mail account, just in case. So, the other night I went on and searched and found three ads with some potential, but after careful reading and re-reading I decided to only respond to the one that really struck me. The next day I had a reply and he actually seemed quite normal. Let's call him D, shall we? D and I traded IM contact info two days later and having been IMing for a bit every day since. We've traded pictures and shared some details and so far, so good. He seems to have everything I want in a Dom, but that doesn't mean I am sold. Beyond the weirdness of meeting someone from CL, there is also the age old wisdom of 'too good to be true' to bear in mind. I really like what he has to say and he seems great, but how can you ever really know for sure until you meet someone? We are taking things slow, we haven't even spoken on the phone yet, never mind setting up a meeting. This is his wish as well as mine and I find that reassuring. Last night we IMed for over three hours and it was a bit like being back in high school. 

I feel like I am at war with myself now. Rational me versus emotional me. Rational me says 'Hey, you don't even know this guy! He could be a serial rapist or a 50 year old lying jerk! Take your time and keep your plans to meet S again and see where that goes.' Emotional me is yelling back 'JUMP OFF THE CLIFF!!! HEAD FIRST!!! DON'T LOOK, JUST JUMP!!!' Stupid emotional me. This is one of the few times I am glad I am as cynical as I am because at least that means that I won't be too surprised or disappointed when both guys turn out to married or gay or jerks or whatever. They might turn out to be great, but I still have plenty of time to find that out. 

Still, progress is progress, no? Not a bad first week. Bye for now, lovelies.

Introductions

Well, hello to anyone who is reading this. I was inspired, or perhaps told is the more accurate term, to write this blog to record this one year in my life. The last few years have been adventurous, exciting and entertaining, but enough of that :) This year will, I hope, be different.

I, like so many before me, have decided to give myself one year to find love. What does this mean? For one year I will put myself out into the world, or rather, my world. You see, I am a submissive, which if you don't know what that is feel free to look it up. What it comes down to is I am not content to simply find a good man and settle down. I need someone strong, Dominant (it's capitalized for a reason, folks) and possessive. Someone who will tie me down, spank me and worship me like the good pet that I am.

I will now wait as most of you readers flee......

Now then, where was I? Oh, yes, one year to find this someone and if I don't? Well, then at the end of this search I will be giving up on love for the foreseeable future and instead I will get pregnant via artificial insemination. This may seem like a drastic decision to some, but for me it makes perfect sense. I have been carefully considering this decision for nearly a year already, but I wanted to be sure and I feel the only way to be absolutely positive this is the right decision is to truly give myself over to a search for love.

A bit of background on my romantic life up til now. I am in my mid-twenties and I have not dated in over six years. I have gone on a few dates and had several one night stands, but nothing beyond that. There are a lot of reasons for this, but it mostly comes down to the fact that I haven't been looking. I've been busy living my life and doing other things; going to school, traveling, etc. But about a year ago I realized that I wanted a child and that I didn't want to wait until I was over 30 and building a career to do it. So, I did what I do best; I researched. And after a lot of thought and planning this is what I decided to do. To find out once and for all if I am simply not meant to find love. And if not, then I want to have a child while I am in a good place in my life in which to do so.

You may not like this, you may not like me. I don't really care. This is my life and my choice and I am only writing about it at the request of a friend who thinks it is an interesting idea and wants to follow my progress. If anyone else chooses to read this, that is their choice, but don't expect me to take your opinions into consideration.

So, after all that, what will this blog be? More or less a record of my efforts during this year. My thoughts and feelings as I try and find love, or failing that, the right sperm donor :) If you care to come along then I hope you enjoy the ride.